Every couple fights. Some do it in big boisterous ways, while others do it in small unnoticeable ways. Either way, there are pitfalls that any couple can fall into when fighting.
These top 8 mistakes are the most common conflict tactics that couples use, and often get them into hot water.
In reading below, ask yourself and be honest: Which one do you do? It is with this reflection that will give you insight into changing your conflict pattern with your partner. And hopefully, change your relationship for the better.
1. Using gestures that dismiss your partner
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: Showing defensive body language such as crossing your arms or legs and moving or turning away from your partner can make any fight worse. Other combative gestures include those that display anger and contempt. Pointing with your index finger and wringing your hands are signs that youโre mad. Ridiculing your partner by rolling your eyes, shaking your head, or sneering can make the already sensitive situation even more hostile.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: Instead of crossing your arms, try facing your partner and keeping your palms facing upward. Sitting down and making eye contact may also help because they show that youโre not trying to threaten them and that youโre trying to listen. Holding hands is also a good idea when the argument has cooled off. Hugging your partner when theyโre upset or crying can show that you care, but only when theyโre ready to be touched by you.
2. Fighting about more than one issue at a time
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: Even though the argument started over one subject, you and your partner begin arguing about other unrelated things. It is natural to want to bring up old fights or past mistakes as โevidenceโ for your current fight, but it will only serve your ego and upset your partner even more. Doing so would also confuse matters, because itโs unlikely that youโll be able to tackle a few issues at a time.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: Focus on just the topic at hand and resist the temptation to argue about other things. If your partner is veering toward another subject, bring the main issue back to the discussion without blatantly dismissing their points.
3. Giving your partner the silent treatment
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: Silent treatment is when you donโt want to communicate at all with someone, even to the point of ignoring their existence. Perhaps you do it to avoid conflict, to communicate that youโre angry, or to punish your partner. But whatever the reason, giving them a silent treatment is not healthy because youโre not opening up to discuss and resolve the issue.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: If you wish to remove yourself from a heated discussion, instead of being quiet and pretending they donโt exist, tell them that you need time to cool off. Make time for a discussion in the future, when both of you can talk things over rationally. And if you want them to know that youโre mad, rather than giving them the silent treatment, talk to them and tell them how you feel.
4. Not listening to their arguments
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: Itโs easy to want to drown out their arguments with your own voice or want to be heard but not wanting to listen. But yelling over them or even listening only so you can use their points against them will not bring the 2 of you any closer to solving your issues. Interrupting them while theyโre making their arguments to say, โYouโre misunderstanding meโ will leave both feeling misunderstood.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: Relax and donโt take your significant otherโs complaints personally. Remember that their criticisms are about their needs, not yours, so you donโt have to be defensive. If they are saying something that might set you off, ask them to say it in a different way so you can understand them better. You can also adopt the โ5-5-5โ method, where each of you takes 5 minutes to speak while the other just listens, and then use the last 5 minutes to talk it through.
5. Blaming your partner
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: While itโs common to want to build a case to prove your partner wrong, pointing fingers, saying, โIt was all your faultโ is like prosecuting them in court. You might win the fight at that time, but lose the relationship in the end. Itโs equally not helpful if you insist on only seeing their flaws but youโre unwilling to see yours.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: It may pay to be patient and try to understand where your partner is coming from. If you feel like theyโre attacking you, itโs wise to remain calm and think of your response before coming back with one. Be open to feedback, as there might be things that both of you could improve on.
6. Fighting at the wrong place or using the wrong medium
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: Breaking into a fight in a public place, a workplace, or a parentsโ home can make things even more unnecessarily sensitive. Engaging in a fight via text messages or phone calls can lead to a misunderstanding as well. After all, you might be missing some facial cues and body language that could tell you what your loved one is really feeling.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: The disagreement may begin in the wrong place, but you can suggest discussing the matter further later, when you 2 can have your privacy. When you feel like a fight is about to ensue while youโre on the phone or texting, it is better to ask them to meet face-to-face to talk things over.
7. Using harsh words
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: An intense fight can bring the worst out in you and make you want to curse and resort to name-calling. These are attacks that can put distance between you and your loved one and make them feel bad about themselves.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: Be conscious of your choice of words and monitor your own emotions. Always keep in mind what is important and think about what you could lose if you hurl insults. Remind yourself that you may feel good giving sharp jabs to your partner but it may not be worth it in the long haul.
8. Arguing when youโre tired or hungry
๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐จ๐ง ๐ฆ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐ค๐: These are outside factors that can escalate the fight unnecessarily. Hungry bickering or fighting when youโre tired might not even come from your compatibility with your partner, and can be resolved by eating or getting some rest. One study found that people with low glucose (which comes from food) show more aggressive behavior toward their partners.
๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง ๐๐จ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐ญ๐๐๐: Take a minute to evaluate whether youโre arguing because of a particular issue or because youโre in a state that makes you want to start a fight. If youโre exhausted, remove yourself from a tense situation and get the rest you need before discussing an issue with your partner. If youโre hungry, take a break and grab a snack first, even if you donโt feel like it.
Sources: brightside.me, tri-sf-backup.squarespace.com