Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself,
“She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.”
So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.
So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk.
All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.
Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.
He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang.
She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
She then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable.
So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.
Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking.
Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!
When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself.
His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.
At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!