We have all been in the situation where we were just sitting down to dinner or perhaps getting settled in to watch Netflix and the phone rings. We don’t recognize the number but for some reason or another, we pick up the phone anyway and say hello. Instantly, we start to hear the sales pitch from the other end of the line and we realize that we have fallen for a telemarketing call once again. Some people get angry and yell, but that doesn’t really do any good. If you want to get your evening back, get creative and use one of these 20 responses.
1. First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.
2. I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and III call you back later tonight.
3. Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?
4. When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: Yes, but I never allow her/him to talk to strangers.
5. When someone asks how you are: Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain…
6. You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!
7. To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: Do you get goats blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?
8. To a phone company solicitor: That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute? (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).
9. When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!
10. Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.
11. Pretend you don’t speak English.
12. Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it’ll just hurt worse!”
13. Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
14. Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.
15. Tell them you’ll accept their offer if they can guess the color of your underwear.
16. Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
17. As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”
18. Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.
19. Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last one almost got me the death penalty.”
20. HANG UP THE PHONE!